Dachsies With Moxie

Muffsterpiece Theater Presents: Pawdark

(Any similarities between the characters herein and those on a recent Masterpiece Theater production is purely intentional and should be infurred)

Chapter 1

It was a cold, rainy day when Captain Snoopy Pawdark, late of the Red and White Coats, returned to Squeaky Toy Island, after an unsuccessful attempt by his regiment to supress the rebellion of the Yankee Poodles. His unit disbanded, facing an empty treat jar, and the love of his life now unavailable, he decided to return to the family business, namely the mining of the secret ingredient that gave dog biscuits their distinct flavor.

Which would have made for an uneventful life, had it not been for those longhaired opportunists, Frankie and Ernie Fourleggin. The Fourleggins already owned 98% of the dog treat industry, and the mortgage on the Pawdark mine was the only thing standing in their way.

It was a situation that had Frankie and Ernie tearing their fur out in clumps. Undaunted, Captain Snoopy decided to take a walking and sniffing tour of the mines. He didn't like what he sniffed, or rather, didn't sniff. No trace of any minerals. Something clearly had to be done.

With few other options, Captain Snoopy decided to head to the Pugs Ahoy, to rethink his strategy. As he was making his way through the crowded, fur-laden streets, he heard the growl of a Rottweiler, yelling, “See that Milkbone over there? Go fetch!”

Much disturbed, he drew closer, and saw that it was not one, but two Rottweiler's, and each was taking turns sending a poor little red dachshund on seemingly senseless errands. This simply could not be allowed.

Captain Snoopy gave a low growl, that caused everyone to stop and turn their snoots his way. He stood there for a moment, then lunged forward, baring his teeth. The two Rottweilers dashed off, howling.

He then moved over to where the little red dachsie was standing, and said, “Gimme paw, Mate.”

He was surprised when the little dachsie kissed him and said, “Thank you, sir.”

Perplexed, he said, “You're a hundette?”

A little annoyed, she answered, “What do you think?”

“What's your name?”

“DeMuffza, sir.”

“Why were you letting those big dogs push you around?”

“Me job, sir.”

“What is your job, hundette?”

“Fetch, sir.”

“Beg pardon?”

“Fetch, sir. The big dogs tells me what they wants, and I fetch it for 'em, sir.”

“Do you live around here?”

“Blogville, sir. A runaway, I is, sir. I figures it like this: Were I not a fetchin', I'd be in the pound sure as anything.”

“You have a point”, Captain Snoopy said.

“Does you have a name, sir?”

“Captain Ruff Pawdark, but my friends call me Captain Snoopy.”

“Why might they be calling you that, sir?”

“When I was a lad, I thought I was a beagle, and so did the other soldiers, so the name stuck.”

“You're a soldier, sir?”

“Not anymore. The Yankee Poodles kept it up-”

“You needn't relive it, sir, it weren't dandy.”

“As long as we mind the music and the step-”

“Tryin' not to handy, is you sir? What are you doin' now?”

“My family owns the flavour mineral mines out by the big pond.”

“I heard the fourleggins owns the whole dog biscuit racket these days. Be ye a kinspooch to the fourleggins, sir?”

“Not likely. I'm trying to keep them from total control.”

“That not be easy, sir. They's a rough lot.”

“You just said the magic word.”

“What word be that?”

“Easy!”

“Mr. Easy? The banker? Oh, he's at the bridge, ee is, sir.”

“Oh, I'd not heard. What about the bank?”

“I 'eard 'is little brother is now the banker. A right tough pup, from the sound o' it. One thing they say about young Mr. Phoenix, sir.”

“What's that?”

“He ain't no Easy!”

“Well, that could work to my advantage. I'm off to the bank. You may come along.”

“I does, sir. Thank you.”